I can look back and regret the choices of my youth
and I do
I have never known the true essence of regret until now
it’s not what it is made out to be
it’s more like a yearning
I wish I had been braver then
but then I would not be the bravest woman I am now
and you would not be the man you are now
so I can continue to regret
but I know I could not have done differently
and I would not have seen you in your beauty now
you think you are broken, but you are more beautiful than ever
and now my eyes can see
they could not see then
like a dear in the tail lights, I was panic stricken
that it might swallow me whole
I think of how you loved me
how you spun around me
endlessly
and all I could do was dip my toes in
and run
I ran faster and further everytime I dipped them in a little deeper
If I could live those moments now
as the woman I am
they would be so perfect
so beautiful
I would have let the gentle tornado take me in
and danced with it
made something from the chaos
I think of a night in the middle of that boulevard
beneath the streetlights
if I had known really that it was the last time
I would have let the crack in my heart open wider
wide enough to let you in
but then we would not be here now
and I would not see you with the admiring eyes that I have now
I would not see your resilience and wisdom
and I want to say how sorry I am for not seeing you the way I see you now
for not being all that I’ve become
for being afraid
but I had to be all that then so that I could be here now
years spent running away from the crack in my heart
that only seeked to let in more good
and now that I finally let the whole thing break open
it’s a space as deep as a canyon
ready now to only hold more and more love
~SuzyQ